What better way to lighten the mood on the course after a few bad holes then to let rip with a few funny golf jokes. Guaranteed to get some laughs – these are my pick for the best clean jokes suitable for all ages. Here are the top dirty golf jokes – designed for adults. Or if you are looking for a shorter joke – Here’s my selection of golfing one liners.
After shooting 30 over par after 18 holes, Bob is on his way home from the 18th having a chat with his Caddie.
“That round was so poor, I think I’m going to jump into the lake by the 16th and drown myself”
“I doubt that” the caddie replies. “You won’t be able to keep your head down long enough”
Choose Your Tee
It was a beautiful sunny day on the 1st hole and as I was lining up to take my shot, I hear a voice booming over the speakers from the clubhouse.
“Could the man at the women’s tee please take your shot from the men’s tee”.
I got a little nervous, shuffled around a little then again over the clubhouse speakers with a little more agitation in the voice “Can the man at the women’s tee please use the men’s tee.”
By that point, I’d had enough so I turned around and said “Can the a$%hole on the megaphone shut up so I can take my second shot”.
Paul – a 15 handicapper challenges the club pro shooting off scratch to a round of golf.
Paul said to the pro “lets have a round, the winner gets $50 but as you’re a much better golfer than me, you have to let me have two Surprises on the course. I’ll use the first surprise on the first hole”
The pro had no idea what the surprises were but since he only had two of them, he figured it was a fair bet. “You’re on” said the pro.
4 hours later, to the amazement of the clubhouse golfers, they see the pro hand Paul a $50. They approach the Pro to ask how Paul had beaten him.
“Well” Said the Pro, “I teed up on the first hole. As I got to the top of my backswing, Paul reached up between my legs from behind, grabbed my junk and yelled SURPRISE”
Two ladies are having a round of golf. When the first lady tees off, she hits it better than ever and sends it straight toward a group of three men.
“FORE” she yells out but to no avail, it strikes one of the men in the group in front. He immediately puts his hands in his crotch, drops to the ground and rolls around in pain.
The lady rushes over “I’m terribly sorry, I’ve never hit it that far before” she says. “I am a sports physio therapist though – can I give you a gentle massage to help with the pain.”
“OK” says the man as he grimaces his lips. She very carefully undoes his pants, puts her hands in his underwear and gently massages his privates. After a couple of minutes, she asks the man “how does that feel”.
“Great” says the man. “But my thumb still hurts like Hell!”
Show Some Respect
Bob and John are having a round of golf. Bob is setting up to putt on the 9th green when a funeral procession approaches and drives by. Bob stops, stands up straight, lowers his head and lowers his hat as the procession passes.
After the funeral procession passes, John says “Gee, that was a very nice thing to do Bob”.
Bob replied, “I felt like it was the right thing to do. I was married to her for 40 years”.
Bob is having a round of golf with his caddie. It is one of the worst rounds Bob has had in his life losing 5 balls and shooting 20 over par in the first nine holes.
As he squares up to drive down the 10th needing only to hit 100 yards to clear the water, the caddie lets out a small cough in Bob’s backswing. Bob tops the ball and it goes straight into the water.
Immediately Bob snaps around and says “You have to be the worst caddie on Earth”.
“I doubt it” the caddie replies. “That would be way too much of a coincidence.”
Take Another Club
Bob is lining up on the 3rd tee, a straight forward 160 yard Par 3. He pulls out his 4 Iron and says to his caddie “do you think I can make it from here with a 4 iron”.
“Eventually” the caddie replied.
Lifelong Golf Partners
Bob and John, lifelong friends and golf buddies are having a round and decide today to put a $10 wager on the round.
As they get to the 12th, scores are locked. Bob tees off first and knocks one straight down the fairway. John steps up, slices and hears the wooden thuds as it bounces around in the tree line.
“Bob”, says John “Come help me find my ball. I’ll look over here beside the Oak trees and you look over there.”
After 10 minutes of searching through the scrub, John is getting frustrated, looks over his shoulder to see if Bob is looking then drops a new ball into the rough. John yells out with joy “Bob – I’ve found my ball”
Bob, expressing disappointment at his dear friend “after all the time we’ve been friends and playing golf together, you would cheat for a couple of dollars”.
“I don’t understand” says John, “my ball was sitting right here beside the fallen log”
“And you would lie to me too, for a couple of measly dollars. You are stooping lower than a snakes belly” said Bob
“What do you mean? And why do you think I am lying and cheating anyway” said John.
“Well” Said Bob, “I’ve been standing on your ball for the last 5 minutes”
Bob is teeing up on the 4th – A par 4 with a water feature for the first 100 yards. Bob is not feeling confident at all – so he gets out one of his old balls.
As he is teeing up, he hears a voice in the back of his head.
“Bob” it says “Use the good ball”.
Bob looks around, thinks for a minute then decides to go with his inner voice.
As he’s setting his stance ready to hit off, again he hears the voice.
“Bob Wait”, it says. “Take a practice swing”.
A little confused by what was occurring, he takes a small step back and has a couple of practice swings.
Bob feeling pretty good, steps forward to tee off. He waits for a few seconds then again he hears the voice
“Bob – Use the old ball”
A threesome were getting ready to tee off on the 10th when they noticed a single player, running up the fairway behind them on the 9th. He was taking a shot almost immediately, then running up to the green to put it in with a 3 putt.
The threesome were curious what was going on. As the man approached the threesome, he said “Hey guys, do you mind if I play through. I just got a call – my wife has had a life threatening car accident and I’m worried I might not make it”.
The Golfing Nun
“Forgive me mother superior for I have sinned” said mother Claire. “I used the most terrible language on the golf course yesterday”.
“What caused you to do that” said mother superior
“Well” said mother Claire “I was teeing off on the 5th hole, Par 3, when I sliced it sending it into the trees”
“Is that when you swore” said mother superior
“No” said mother Claire. “I hit on the edge of the woods and landed in the rough at the base of the tree”
“Is that when you swore” said mother superior
“No” said mother Claire. “As I went towards the ball, a squirrel came along, grabbed the ball and started to carry it further into the woods”
“Is that when you swore” said mother superior
“No” said mother Claire. “An eagle flew in and grabbed the squirrel as he was carrying away my ball. As the eagle flew over the green, the squirrel dropped the ball where it hit a rock, bounced over a sand trap then landed 4 inches from the hole”.
Both Nuns were quiet for a few moments then Mother superior sighed and said “you missed the [email protected]$king putt didn’t you”
I Like Those Odds
Bob turns up 10 minutes late for tee off. “You’re late Bob” say Alan.
“Sorry” says Bob. “Because it’s Sunday I have to toss a coin to see if I go to Church or Golf for the day.”
“Fair enough” says Alan, “Why are you so late then”
“Well” says Bob, “I had to toss it 20 times”.
Carl gets off work early one afternoon so decides to have a quick 9 holes before going home. When he arrives, there is an old man preparing to tee off.
“Would you like to join me” he says.
“Sure” says Carl so they tee off. After the first 5 holes, the old man is doing pretty well and scoring the same as Carl. While he doesn’t hit it too far, his drives are straight and his chipping gets pretty close to the pin.
As they get to the 6th hole, Carl prepares to take his second shot. It’s a tough shot with a large oak tree sitting between his Ball and the Green. Carl ponders how to handle it when the old man says “When I was your age, I would hit it straight over that tree and onto the green”.
Carl not to be outdone, accepts the challenge, and pulls out his 8 iron. Carl hits it cleanly, but it still catches branches near the top of the tree, rattles around and lands at the base of the tree.
Carl looks at the old man. The old man says “What? That was always going to happen. That tree was half that size when I was your age”.
A Bad Round
Bob gets home from a round of golf and his wife asks him “Honey, how was the round of golf today”.
“Terrible” replied Bob “Dave had a heart attack on the 5th hole”
“That is Terrible” says Bob’s wife
“You’re telling me” says Bob. “We had to take turns dragging Dave around the last 13 holes”.
These funny golf jokes are clean and suitable for all ages. If you like dirty jokes, here’s the best dirty golf jokes I’ve come across.
A selection of one liner golf jokes is available here if that is more your style of humor.